Conversations That Save Sanity Before Baby

In this episode Charlie shares the essential conversations every couple should have before having a baby — and how to gently have them even if your baby is already here.
This episode covers:
Why communication matters before and after baby arrives
Key conversations about visitors, housework, finances, and support
How unspoken expectations can affect your relationship after birth
Practical ways to talk without blame, resentment, or overwhelm
Reassurance for parents who feel they’re already “behind”
If you’re pregnant, preparing for a baby, or navigating newborn life, this episode will help you feel more connected, supported, and like a team — not two exhausted people trying to cope alone.
A must-listen for expectant parents and new mums wanting to protect their relationship, reduce stress, and feel more grounded during early parenthood

Stay connected with Charlie

Website: https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages (Mum Matters Community)

Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/charliesparentingpages/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Charliesparentingpages

Transcript

0:27

Hey, and welcome back to my podcast. Chat with Charlie on Mom Matters. Today's episode is all about conversations that literally save your sanity and your relationship when you're having a baby. And it's really important for me to tell you about these conversations to have because. A lot of them I didn't actually have before my baby came. I was so focused on being pregnant, the pregnancy, and it's a lot of first times when you're pregnant for the first time, you going through something so brand new that these conversations actually just don't end up happening and then they creep up once baby's here It's never good when that happens, so I wanna save you this problem, by talking about conversations that you should have with your partner before baby comes. These are all talks that no one really tells you to have before baby arrives, and they're conversations that I truly wished that I'd had before my first, because. Once baby's here, you're both tired, you are emotional, and it's so much harder to talk through things calmly. And before we go any further, I want to say this clearly. If your baby's already here and you are listening thinking, oh no, we didn't have these conversations, we didn't talk about any of this, please don't worry, you haven't failed and you're not behind. And this episode is still very much for you. Later on, I'll share exactly how to generally introduce these conversations now in a way that doesn't feel like blame or another thing to carry on your shoulders. So first I wanna talk about why these conversations matter. When you become a parent, everything is magnified. The love gets bigger, the emotions get louder. and the unspoken expectations, they suddenly come to the surface. You might think that you and your partner are on the same page until baby arrives and you realize you had a very different ideas about things like visitors, housework, sleep, money, or even going back to work. And that doesn't mean your relationship is weak at all. It means parenthood is a huge shift. Planning and talking doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. It generally never does because babies don't follow plans. But it does reduce friction. It helps you feel like a team rather than two exhausted people silently resenting each other. So I wanna come to the key conversations to have ones that, some of them we did have as a couple and some of them we didn't. But over my time being a mom and having five kids, these are the conversations that I think are probably most important to make sure that you are at least touching on in some way or another before baby comes. So whether you're still pregnant. Or already in the thick of newborn life. These are the conversations that really matter. Firstly, this is a big one for me because it really caught me off guard, is visitors who's allowed to visit when for how long? Do you want the first few days just for bonding and rest, or are you happy with short visits? This isn't about being rude or ungrateful. It's about protecting your recovery, your mental health, and your bonding time with your new baby. I always say that boundaries are self-care, and setting boundaries early is so much easier than trying to enforce them when you are already tired and overwhelmed. So the next thing is household roles. So maybe you've got your role set out right now, who does what in the house? Maybe you're both working full time and you have these roles in place, but it changes when baby comes. And also don't think that once baby's here and your home on maternity leave, that you are just gonna take everything on your shoulders and that you are superwoman, which you are. But you don't need to be superwoman in this way. It needs to be a team thing, and you need to be looking after each other. So this one for me is huge. Who's doing what while you recover? Night feeds, nappies, laundry, cooking, cleaning. And this isn't about keeping score of who's doing more. It's about being realistic. You are recovering from birth. Your body and your mind are healing. You can't do it all, and you shouldn't have to. It is also about accepting help. If you're anything like me, I'm the kind of person that thinks I can do everything myself, and I'm always trying to do everything myself, and I find it really hard to accept help, but if anything has taught me that I need to accept help more, it's having a baby. So accepting help. Instead of feeling like you need to prove something by doing everything yourself, because that's just not clever from experience. Next thing is finances. Money can feel uncomfortable to talk about, but avoiding it causes far more stress later. So what happens when maternity pay changes or runs out? Not that it's very much in the beginning anyway. Are you planning to return to work? What if your feelings change after baby arrives? That happened to me. How will you handle the extra costs that come with a baby? These conversations aren't about locking yourself into a decision forever. They're about understanding each other's expectations and just talking about it, so it's out there. Post birth support is the next one. Who's helping, who might bring meals? Because believe me, you are not gonna feel like standing in the kitchen and cooking meals when you've just given birth. Who can run errands for you, who can help with older children if you have them. And just as importantly, are you comfortable with saying yes to help really ask yourself this. You don't get extra points for doing this alone. Support doesn't make you weak. It makes this season more manageable, and that's what we want for you so that you can recover and heal and bond with your baby and get back to yourself as quickly as possible, but so that you are a hundred percent and you can be back to your old self.'cause that that's what we want, isn't it? you want to feel like yourself again and doing it all yourself. It is actually the longest journey for achieving that. So next is your relationship. It's always important to remember that before you were parents, you were a couple first and becoming parents doesn't mean that that part disappears. It just needs more care. Sleep deprivation makes everything harder. It makes you both more irritable. So these conversations, if you've had them already before, it's gonna make this part. The sleep deprivation so much gentler. Small things feel bigger when you're sleep deprived. Misunderstandings happen faster. Talking about how you'll protect your connection. Even in tiny ways matters. A cup of tea together, a short walk, a quick check-in before bed, or even just a hug and saying, are you okay? How are you doing today? Just checking in with each other from time to time. You have to love and nurture your relationship. As much as you did in the beginning when you were trying to grow it. You need to do that now to keep it going, working as a team, working together to get through this first part because believe me, it's hard. It's really hard. These small moments help you. Remember, you are on the same side. So I just wanna talk about my personal experience. When I had my first baby, I remember going into motherhood, so Sure. And certain about things. I think I probably thought I knew everything, what I was doing, what was gonna come. I thought I was definitely going back to work. I absolutely loved my job. I was a PA in Central London. I was leaving to go on maternity leave. actually, my baby came before my maternity leave even started, but I was like, to my boss, I'll be back. Don't worry. I thought I'd just figure it out. and then something happened to me that I just wasn't expecting. I held my baby for the first time. I looked down at his little face. And everything changed for me. My feelings shifted, my needs shifted, and suddenly the plans I'd been so confident about didn't feel right anymore. I remember speaking to my mom on the phone after having my baby and saying to her, mom, I can't leave him. I'm not leaving him. I'm not going back to work. And from that moment, everything changed for me. I was like, I need to figure this out a different way. And the person that I was before she'd gone. She'd gone. I was now a mom, and this baby was my entire world. I also remember moments where my husband and I had completely different expectations about visitors, about chores. And that wasn't because my husband didn't care we just were both so clueless we didn't realize how much this would impact our lives, I don't think you can really prepare enough for this change after having a baby. As beautiful as it is, it's incredible having a baby. But it literally tips your world upside down everything you knew before. Is out the window. even I had different expectations about things like visitors and chores. I thought, yeah, I'm happy to see everyone because you can't imagine how you're going to feel after having a baby and the chores that you did before, your brain is telling you, yeah, I'll just get on with it. I'll be fine, but your body says something different. So none of it came from bad intentions. It came from not talking about things through properly before and a little bit of not really knowing what to expect and looking back, I don't wish we'd been perfect. I just wish we'd maybe communicated a bit more and thought a bit more about how things might be different. But I'm sitting here telling you now that There are things that you won't be able to prepare yourself for because. You only know the version of yourself that is right now. You can't know what version of yourself is gonna be when you become a mom. So I'm just trying to save you that upset and that irritation, and that overwhelm when you become a mom. And just give you a heads up to have some of these conversations. if baby's already here. Let me tell you how to have these conversations now. I want you to hear this. It's never too late to have a reset to reset your expectations. You don't need a big, dramatic conversation. You don't need to list everything that's gone wrong, and you don't need to turn it into an argument. What you need is a calm moment and a soft start. you might say something like. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and I think I need a bit more support. Can we talk about how we're doing things or I didn't realize how different this would feel once baby arrived. Can we check in and see what's working or what's not? Or even if that's not working, I don't want this to turn into stress between us. I just want us to feel like a team. Again, this isn't about blame, it's about adjusting. Because real life with a baby is very different from what we imagine. And if emotions come up, that doesn't mean the conversation was a mistake. It means that it actually mattered. And it's really good that you had that conversation. Let me give you some practical advice instead of a strict plan, like writing it all down and this is exactly what we are going to do and this is how we're gonna stick to it. Think of this as like a foundation, like a starting point. You can write a simple baby life plan, even if baby's already here. Focus on one area at a time. Keep communication ongoing, like in any relationship at any point. Communication is so important. Just talking things through, so then things don't build up. That's the worst thing you can do. Women, we are really good at that. We save everything for later. We are thinking, clocking everything, saving things for later. I'm gonna mention that. I'm gonna mention that. Don't do that. You've gotta let it out because your emotions and your hormones are gonna make it build up even more and it'll be magnified except that things will change as baby grows routines. And phases and milestones, it affects everything. So things are gonna keep changing. It's quite a quick turnaround in the first, I would say, six weeks to three months of baby being here. Things are gonna change. You're gonna have to adapt a lot. So these conversations that are important to keep checking in with each other, don't assume that your partner knows what you need. Spell it out gently. Flexibility matters, but clarity helps. I think a lot of the time as women, we presume that our partner knows us so well. They should know what we want and they should know what we need. And why didn't they take the bins out? Because they know that it's full. Sometimes they're tired too. They're going through the emotions. They just had a baby as well. Not in the same way as you, but they're also trying to support, you get used to being a dad. So you've got to be gentle with each other. I just think talking about things and sometimes just saying things clearly but gently, often to prevent the buildup. So this isn't about having a perfect plan, it's about avoiding unnecessary tension. It's about protecting your relationship, and it's about reminding yourself that you're learning together. Your baby changes everything, but your relationship is the foundation. Protect it, nurture it, and talk about the things that matter before you are both too Sleep deprived. To think straight. Sleep deprivation is, from my experience, is one of the most painful feelings ever. you can't think. Your brain shuts down when you've not had enough sleep. The lack of sleep in the first few weeks is you have to expect no sleep. And any sleep is a bonus, really. So I wanna give you an action task before the next episode. I want you to do just one thing. Pick one small area from today's episode, visitors, housework, rest support. Have a gentle check in with your partner. Just one. You might say, can we talk about this one thing for 10 minutes? That's it, that no fixing everything. No perfect plan, just a conversation because small, honest talks now prevent big resentments later. Be gentle with yourself this week and with each other.