Birth Partners and Postpartum Boundaries

In this episode of Chat With Charlie on Mum Matters, Charlie shares honest insights on choosing a birth partner, managing visitors after birth, and protecting your recovery in the postpartum period. This episode is perfect for first-time mums preparing for labour, birth, and the early days with a newborn, especially if you’re unsure how you’ll feel about support, boundaries, and family visits.

For more guidance, there’s a dedicated section on birth partners, postpartum recovery, visitors after birth, and early motherhood support inside the First Time Mum Ultimate Handbook course, available on my website below.

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A new episode is released every Sunday!

Transcript

Charlie 0:25

Hello and welcome back to Chat with Charlie. Mom Matters. Today's episode is a really honest one, and I think it's going to resonate with so many of you we're talking about birth partners and visitors after birth, who you think you want, who actually helps. And how wildly different reality can feel once your baby is here. This is one of those topics where many moms say, I wish someone had told me this before. So that's what we're going to do today. And just to say this right from the start, there's no right or wrong here only what feels right for you in that moment. So what we think we'll want before baby comes, before my first baby arrived, I didn't think I'd mind visitors honestly. I thought I'd be fine with people popping in. I thought I'd want company. I thought it would be nice to share the excitement. I also thought I knew exactly who I wanted in the delivery room. I was convinced that I wanted my mom and my husband as my birth partners in my head, that made perfect sense. Like my mom had been through it five times herself already. And my husband is my person. He's the one that I wanted to be next to me and be there with me all the time for peace of mind. and here's the thing, none of those thoughts were wrong. They were just based on a version of motherhood that I hadn't lived yet, so I couldn't possibly know what the actual outcome was going to be. to be honest, when I had my first baby, none of my birth plan actually went to plan anyway. But once baby had arrived, I felt completely different. this is the part no one really prepares you for. You cannot fully know how you're gonna feel until you are in it. And that's the truth. suddenly the idea of visitors didn't feel comforting at all. It felt really, really overwhelming. I was sore. I was emotional, hormonal, learning how to feed a newborn, trying to process what had actually happened to my body, which is a huge shock in itself, by the way. and having people show up, even people that I loved suddenly felt like too much, not because they'd done anything wrong, but because I had changed. I was going through a brand new phase of my life and I just wasn't feeling myself at all. So how can I sit and be myself with visitors when I'm not feeling myself? I'm actually feeling the worst version of myself right now. Let's go back and talk about the birth partner, reality check, and then there's the birth itself. I truly thought having my mom there would calm me down, but what actually happened surprised me, and I have. the closest relationship with my mom, any daughter could have. My mom was so worried about me, which makes complete sense because she's my mom and she kept saying, but you are my baby and I'm worried about you. so then I found myself worrying about her. I was watching her reactions. Noticing her stress and feeling somewhat responsible for how she was coping, and without anyone doing anything wrong, it shifted the dynamic. I was actually more worried about my mom than I was worried about myself. Meanwhile, my husband, the person I hadn't actually thought would be particularly the strong one, was the one who held everything together. And that's why he's my person. He was calm, he was grounded, he was present the whole time. He didn't need me to reassure him. He just showed up and it taught me something really important. hindsight is a wonderful thing. I learned that the best birth partner isn't always the person that you expect. It's not about who loves you the most or who necessarily has the most experience, or this one's important, or who you feel you should choose. It's about who makes you feel safe. Who doesn't need emotional support from you? Who can stay steady when you are vulnerable, who can be your voice when you are in too much pain to have a voice? And here's the beautiful part. My mom didn't become less important. She never, ever, ever could. She just became more helpful after birth When I was home and baby was here, she came. She stayed with me for a week. She helped around the house. She did the laundry. she was looking after me in the way that she wanted to and needed to, she was able to do that afterwards, helping, practically supporting me emotionally, letting me lean on her in a way that worked better for both of us. I think that's the thing, isn't it? As moms we know that we just love too much, too hard, too fiercely. And sometimes that's not. It's not that it's bad, but it's not necessarily helpful in a situation where we need to be strong. Our emotions can get the better of us. in the situation when I was in labor, my mom's emotions got the better of her because she was so worried about me because I'm her baby. it was only in that moment once I'd already made that decision for her to be one of my birthing partners, that I realized that it was much better for both of us emotionally and physically for her to be there after birth, but I couldn't possibly have known that before. Okay, so now we need to talk about visitors. I really think this is such a big topic of conversation. I think partners have different ideas about visitors, and I think it's something we don't talk about. Because as first time moms, the people that are closest to us and around us, we're like, why wouldn't they be there? Why wouldn't I be okay to see them? So let's talk about visitors because there's so much. Unspoken pressure around this. People are excited. They want to meet the baby, they mean well. They really do mean well. I But what often gets forgotten? In all of this is the mom. Yes, you've had a baby and it's so exciting, but you are recovering from birth and if you've had a C-section, you are recovering from surgery as well. I've had both. I've had C-sections and I've had a natural birth as well. Neither recovery is fun and I think that gets forgotten. Your. Learning how to feed a newborn. You're learning how to bond with your newborn. You are recovering, you're emotional and exhausted, and yet so many moms feel like they have to tidy the house, entertain, host. And just generally be fine. And if you don't want visitors, you feel guilty. So as I do, let me say this clearly, you are not selfish for wanting space. You are not ungrateful for setting boundaries. Remember, I always say boundaries are self-care. Wanting quiet doesn't mean that you don't love people. It means you're protecting yourself during a vulnerable time, and it's okay if your feelings change. This is the part I really want you to hear. Because it's definitely something that I struggled with just because you thought you'd be okay with something, it doesn't mean you have to stick with it. Just because you said yes before, it doesn't mean you can't say no. Now you are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to realize this feels different to how I imagined it would feel. That doesn't make you difficult. It makes you human. So if you're pregnant. Have open conversations, but hold them loosely. Let people know plans might change. Focus on what will support you. Focus on your recovery, not other people's expectations. And if your baby's already here. Because this is applicable to you two, it's okay to reset the boundaries. It's okay to ask for space. It's okay to say we're not ready yet. And if you're choosing a birth partner, think about who keeps you calm, who doesn't need managing. Who can advocate for you when you are tired or in pain or unable to speak for yourself? I just wanna give you an action task before the next episode, I want you to do this gentle task. If you're pregnant, write down who you think you want around for birth and after then ask yourself, who helps me feel safe? Who helps me feel calm? if baby is already here. Check in with yourself. Notice what feels draining and what feels supportive. Choose one small boundary that protects your energy this week and remind yourself you don't owe anyone access to you at your most vulnerable time. Birth and postpartum have a way of teaching us things we couldn't possibly know beforehand about ourselves, about our relationship, and what we really need. Trust the learning process. You are allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to choose what supports you, and you're allowed to protect your peace. In fact, it's so important that you do protect your peace. Take all this into consideration this week and thank you for listening to chat with Charlie on Mom Matters. I'll speak to you next time.