Mum Guilt: Why it never ends (and how to manage it)

In this deeply honest episode, Charlie unpacks mum guilt — when it starts, how it shows up, and why it can feel impossible to shake. From the moment you see those two lines to the daily battles with comparison and self-doubt, Charlie shares her own stories from five pregnancies and offers practical ways to manage the guilt without letting it consume you. This is your reminder that the worry itself is proof you're a good mum.

What You'll Learn:

* Why mum guilt begins during pregnancy, not after birth

* How guilt shows up in feeding, sleep, and your emotions

* The comparison trap and why social media makes it worse

* Charlie's personal mum guilt stories across five babies

* Five practical strategies to manage (not eliminate) guilt

* How to reframe guilt as a signal of what you value

Stay connected with Charlie

Website: https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages (Mum Matters Community)

Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/charliesparentingpages/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Charliesparentingpages

A new episode is released every Sunday!

Transcript

0:25

Welcome back to Chat with Charlie on Mom Matters. I'm Charlie, mom of five ages two to 11, and today we're talking about something that I think about more than I'd like to admit, mom, guilt. That heavy feeling that sits in your chest. The voice that whispers you're not doing enough. Well, you're doing it wrong. Everyone else is doing it better than you are. if you've ever felt it and I know you have, then this episode is for you. so when does this mom guilt this thing that consumes us? When does it actually start? And here's what surprised me. Mom. Guilt doesn't start when your baby arrives. It actually starts the moment that you find out that you are pregnant. For me, it began with food. Am I eating the right things? Is this coffee going to hurt the baby? Should I have that sandwich? Then it moves to your body. Am I resting enough? Am I exercising too much or not enough? Maybe. Why am I so tired already? Then comes the worry about the birth. What if I can't do it naturally? What if I need an epidural? Does that make me weak? What if I have a C-section? Will I have failed somehow? And your baby isn't even here yet. That guilt has already set up camp. I remember lying awake at night during my first pregnancy, convinced that I was already getting it wrong. I hadn't even held my baby yet, and I was already apologizing to them in my head. Then baby arrives and the guilt. It multiplies. It shows up in feeding. If you breastfeed, you wonder if they're getting enough. If you bottle feed you wondering if you've let them down, which you're not. By the way, if you do both, you wonder if you're confusing them. There really is no winning here. It shows up in sleep. Are they sleeping too much? Too little? Should I be sleep training? Am I damaging them by co-sleeping? Am I a bad mom for wanting them to just sleep so I can breathe for a second? It shows up in your emotions. You love your baby, of course you do, but some days you feel numb or overwhelmed or frustrated, and then you feel guilty for feeling that way because aren't you supposed to be glowing with joy? Aren't you supposed to cherish every single moment? No one tells you that you can love your baby and still struggle from time to time. That those two things can exist at the same time. And then there's social media, which I love. Obviously it's how we are connected, but it can be brutal. You see another mom with a clean house, a smiling baby, a full face of makeup, and you are sitting there in the same hoodie you've worn for three days. You haven't showered. Your baby's been crying for an hour, and you think, what am I doing wrong? But here's the truth, that mom, you're comparing yourself to. She's probably comparing herself to someone else or even you. She's probably took that photo in a two minute window of calm, she probably cried 10 minutes later. We are all showing our highlighted reels and then judging ourselves against everyone is, it's exhausting and it's a trap. Let me be honest with you. I've had five children and I still feel mom guilt on a daily basis with my first, I was so consumed by struggling postpartum because I couldn't breastfeed properly, and I was worried about how that was affecting him, how I felt like I'd let him down. I loved him instantly, but the bonding. The bonding was difficult to start with because I was struggling in other areas like the feeding. Everyone talks about that rush of love, that immediate connection. But don't be hard on yourself and feel guilty if it doesn't come straight away, because there's so much else that goes into postpartum. I spent weeks thinking that there was something wrong with me because I couldn't breastfeed my baby. that guilt consumed me with my second. I felt guilty for dividing my attention. I'd had my second baby only 17 months after my first, and there's that guilt of. Did I give my eldest child enough time with me? Did I rush to have another baby? But at the same time, I wanted to have another baby so that my eldest baby would have a sibling to play with, and I was so excited for their bond, but the guilt was still consuming me that I had sort of cut in half the time that my first baby had with me and later on discovered that wasn't the case at all. I'd actually multiplied the love that I was able to give to both of my children. But when you first have another baby, you can't always see that and it can consume you. I was wondering if my firstborn felt replaced. Was I giving my new baby enough? I was constantly trying to split myself in two. And it wasn't until I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, once my hormones had settled my emotions and realized that what I was giving was so much more for them and for myself, and that's when I started to enjoy it more. I still had the same kind of guilt with my third, fourth, and fifth babies. When you have a new baby, I think you always get that guilt of bringing a new baby home and you feel sorry for the younger one prior to having that new baby, the youngest before the baby came because that's your baby. And then another baby's coming then and you feel like you are pushing them out, sort of, which isn't true. The dynamics of the family. When a new baby comes, it takes time for it to to change, to adapt. You just get into the routine of what you are currently in with your family and your kids that you already have, then you bring a new baby into the mix and it just takes a minute to figure out that new routine. that can bring guilt, you need to try and push that guilt to the side. So by my third, fourth, and fifth, the guilt did shift, but I did feel guilty for feeling more tired because I had more children for sometimes needing that time alone when things got a little bit too overwhelming. It's normalizing those feelings and realizing that actually. It's pretty normal to feel tired when you've just had a baby or when you've got multiple children, and it's pretty normal to want some time by yourself, it's not unreasonable and it's not something that you should feel guilty about. I felt guilty for snapping when I didn't mean to, for relying on screen so I could get the dinner on the table. And you know what I've realized? The guilt doesn't actually go away completely, but your relationship with it can change. So why do we feel this way? Part of it is biological. We're wired to protect our babies to worry. It's like our protection mechanism. But part of it is the social side. The pressure to be a good mom. It's relentless and the definition of a good mom keeps changing one decade. It's stay at home. The next is career driven. One expert says strict routines. Another says, follow the baby's lead. You can't win because the goalposts keep moving and part of it's internal. We hold ourselves to absolutely impossible standards. We expect perfection from ourselves while giving grace to everyone else If your friend told you she felt guilty for using formula, you'd reassure her, but when you do it, you beat yourself up. We are our harshest critics, It's not all doom and gloom. Let's talk about what we can do about it. Here's what helped me not to eliminate guilt entirely, but to manage it, which is what we wanna do here. First name it. When you feel that heavy feeling, rise, pause and say, this is mom guilt. Just naming it and identifying what you're feeling in that moment takes away some of its power. It's not the truth, it's a feeling. Secondly, what you wanna do is question it. Ask yourself. Is this guilt based on something real or something I've invented?'cause we're pretty good at doing that too. Inventing and creating things in in our heads and making it bigger than what it actually is. Most of the time we're feeling guilty about things that don't actually matter. Screen time ready meals, needing a break. These aren't failures. Their survival and sometimes in motherhood, we have to put ourselves in survival mode. Just to get through a day tomorrow might not be so bad, but if this is what you need to do to get through today, then there's nothing wrong with that and it's certainly nothing to feel guilty about. Thirdly, talk about it mum. Guilt. Thrives in silence. When you keep it to yourself, it grows. Like anything, a bad thought, a bad feeling, a bad emotion. When you fester over it and you don't talk about it, it gets bigger and bigger. before we know what to do with it. But if you say it out loud to a partner, to a friend, Even in a voice note to someone, suddenly you'll find that it shrinks you, realize that you are not alone and that in itself helps. fourth, something that you might not necessarily think about, but check your inputs. What are you consuming right now? What are you listening to watching? Who are you following? If someone makes you feel worse about yourself, every time you see their content, unfollow, create your feed. The way you curate your fridge. Only keep what nourishes you. Fifth practice self-compassion. This one's hard, but it really matters. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your best friend. Would you tell her she's failing, that she's a bad mom? No. You tell her she's doing her best, that her kids are lucky to have her. Say that to yourself, even if you don't believe it yet. Sometimes we need to talk to ourselves in a kind way, say things nicely to ourselves, and then the belief comes after. So I don't want this episode to be. Negatively about guilt and just about why we feel it and why it's there. I wanna turn it into something positive, and this is where it gets interesting. What if guilt isn't always the enemy? What if sometimes it's a signal? Guilt can show us what we value? If you feel guilty for not spending enough quality time with your baby, that's because connection matters to you. If you feel guilty for losing your temper, that's because you care about being gentle. The guilt isn't proof that you are failing. It's proof that you care. So instead of drowning in it, use it. Let it point you towards what you want to do differently tomorrow. Not perfectly, just a little bit better. That's all any of us can do. And here's something that I want you to really hear. Your children, they don't need a perfect mom. They need a present one. A real one. One who sometimes gets it wrong, apologizes and tries again, that is what teaches them. Resilience, empathy, humanity. You're not damaging them by being imperfect. you're simply showing them what it looks like to be human. And I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to just let go of all the guilt.'cause it's not that simple, is it? But I will tell you this. You are doing more than you realize The fact that you are even listening to this episode, that you care enough to reflect on how you are showing up. That says everything bad. Moms don't worry about being bad moms. The worry is the proof. So tonight, when you lie in bed, replaying every moment of the day. When you think about the snack that you gave them or the tone that you used, or the activity that you didn't do, I want you to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself. I showed up today. I kept them safe. I loved them even when it was hard, and that is more. Than enough. Thank you so much for being here with me today. if this episode resonated with you, if you've ever felt the weight of mum guilt sitting in your chest, I want you to know that you are not alone. We're all figuring it out day by day. One messy, beautiful moment at a time. If you found this helpful, I'd love you to share it with another mom who needs to hear it. Send it to your group chat, post it in your stories, tag me. Let this message get out there and if you haven't already, make sure you are following the podcast so you never miss an episode.